The Great Muffin Battle
by FullmetalAlchemist64
Summary: In which Mustang makes WAY too many muffins and Ed has an idea. Hawkeye does not approve.


**The Great Muffin Battle**

**AN: For the record, this is ALL MY SISTER'S FAULT. Somehow we got onto the topic of whether you could injure someone with a muffin. I don't know. Three things went through my head after she asked how one would potentially hurt someone with a delicious pastry.**

**1) That would make a great fanfiction… **

**2) ASDF movies!**

**3) I'm going to write that fanfiction!**

**Well, here you go. I'm going to go bang my head against a wall now. It feels like I'm writing crack…**

**oOoOoOo**

"You did what?"

The soldiers that made up Colonel Mustang's team stared at him, befuddled.

Roy sighed and sat down at his desk, dropping his head into his hands.

"I told you. I made too many muffins last night."

Havoc raised his hand, obviously trying not to laugh.

"Sir, with all due respect, why were you making muffins, and how do you accidentally screw up the recipe so bad that you bake ten times the amount you're supposed to?"

Mustang raised his head and glared at the 2nd lieutenant.

"It was 1 am, Havoc. Give me a break. As for why I was baking them, I don't really think that I need a reason. I just felt like it. Now, I really need to get rid of them, so who wants some?"

Havoc, Fuery, Breda, and Falman all looked at each other. Hawkeye just sighed in exasperation.

"I don't think so, Colonel. I don't really like muffins."

"I don't either, sir. Sorry."

"I'm trying to lose weight, Colonel. No thanks."

"Muffin: a small domed cake or quick bread made from batter or dough. Invented around the end of the 18th century."

"Well, frankly sir, if there was a mistake bad enough to produce 240 muffins, I'm not sure I want to taste any."

Mustang stared at them all, slightly shocked. NOBODY turns down a free muffin. Nobody. He opened his mouth to say something, but just then a laugh erupted from the back of the room.

Everyone turned to see Edward clutching desperately at his sides and rolling around on the floor in absolute hysteria. Alphonse was standing beside him, somehow managing to look embarrassed even through his armor.

After a minute Ed stopped, and with the help of Al, was able to get to his feet. Wiping away imaginary tears, he looked at Mustang, who was beginning to get a little irritated from being laughed at.

"Did I seriously hear the lieutenant right, Colonel? You made** two hundred and forty **muffins?! Why the hell didn't you stop after you realized there were too many?"

Colonel Mustang scowled at Ed, annoyed.

"I don't know if you've noticed, Fullmetal, but I'm a man. I've never made muffins before in my LIFE. I had no clue how many the recipe was supposed to produce."

Ed snickered again, and marched up to the front of the room.

"Here's your stupid report, by the way."

Roy was beginning to get agitated. MORE paperwork to look through… Maybe this was a good opportunity to get rid of some of the muffins though. Edward had a reputation for being an eating **machine.** Not everyone could turn down delicious pastries…

"Say, Fullmetal, since you're here, why don't you take some?"

Ed looked at him incredulously.

"You want me to take some of your muffins? No way in hell, Colonel Bastard. I don't know what you could have put in those things. Somehow I can't quite imagine you being a very competent cook…" he grinned suddenly.

"Although, if you need a way to get rid of them… I might have an idea…"

Mustang groaned, knowing that, if it was Ed, SOMETHING was going to blow up. Literally.

"Fine. I'm desperate. I'll bite. What's this big idea of yours, Fullmetal?"

A look that reminded Roy of a crocodile about to capture its prey spread across Edward's face.

"Well, I figure these muffins will probably make great missiles, hmm? We should have a muffin battle!"

Everyone looked at Ed in utter bemusement. Finally, Breda spoke what was on everyone's minds.

"What the hell is a 'muffin battle'?"

Ed smirked, flopping down into a chair and pulling out a little fan that looked like the Japanese flag.

"Ah, dear Breda, I'm SO glad you asked!" he smiled sweetly, looking up at everyone like he knew **exactly **how completely he had them wrapped around his little finger. "Basically, we take all the muffins and throw them at each other. When someone falls over, they're out! Whoever is left standing when all the muffins finally crumble into little bits wins!"

Mustang stared at Ed, convinced that the pipsqueak had, at last, completely lost his mind.

"That," he stated, "Is the dumbest idea I have ever heard."

"LET'S DO IT!" yelled Fuery, Havoc and Breda at the same time.

"I'm against violence, but I suppose it sounds a bit interesting." Admitted Falman.

Hawkeye shook her head.

"You're all going to be fired."

"She's right, you know." Roy said, staring at his team and vaguely wondering how they had all come to be so stupid. "We would be court-martialed in an instant."

Ed cocked his head to the side, seeming amused by the Colonel's stubbornness.

"I'm sure it wouldn't be **that **hard to clear it with Fuhrer Bradley." He said, grinning. "After all, even state alchemists need to have fun sometimes. That is, unless you're AFRAID, Colonel?"

And that was why, 20 minutes later, Mustang's team was standing out on the grounds of Central HQ with several baskets full of muffins and a large crowd watching in anticipation. None of them had any idea how this had gotten started, but they fully supported it. Alphonse stood off to the side simply shaking his head at his big brother's foolish, immature ways.

Hughes was refereeing, and waved a flag for quiet. Everyone fell silent, and the Lieutenant Colonel grinned. He really liked this flag.

"All right, I want a nice clean match, got it? Elysia will be thrilled to have pictures, and I don't want her thinking that cheating is okay!"

"WHO CARES?" the crowd shouted in synchronization. Hughes pouted for a minute, but quickly regained his happy attitude.

"Well, whatever the reason, NO CHEATING!"

"Yea, the Colonel's an expert on that!" someone yelled. "He's with another girl every couple of days!"

Mustang ignored this and looked away as if he was just bored.

"Okay!" Hughes shouted. "Ready… Get set… GO!"

And the battle commenced.

Falman was taken out almost instantly, as he was the easiest target. Fuery followed not long after, buried under a mountain of pastries. After that, it was every man for himself. Cakes flew, and after Havoc was hit in the face with one, everybody quickly discovered just how dense they were.

"Jeez, Colonel!" Edward yelled, dodging yet another muffin. "I'm really glad that nobody tried to eat these! They're as hard as rocks! What the hell'd you do to 'em?"

"Oh, shut up, Fullmetal! If I knew that, I would have fixed it when I was baking them!"

Communication ceased however, when Breda toppled over, defeated by delicious flying desserts.

Now it was just Edward, Mustang, Havoc and Hawkeye, who had a surprisingly good pitching arm.

Eventually Havoc fell over, his skills surpassed by Hawkeye and Roy, who had more experience in battle, and Edward, who was a master at hand-to-hand combat and dodging things, not to mention the fact that he was small enough to avoid the muffins easily.

By this point, though, they were rapidly running out of pastries. Hard as they were, no muffin was a match for Hawkeye's arm or Ed's automail.

By some unspoken communication, Ed and Hawkeye quickly began to gather up the remaining cakes, working together to bring Mustang down. Put both of them together, and it wasn't much of a contest. The last muffin slammed into Roy's face and crumbled. However, it effectively knocked him over, thus ending the war.

Everyone cheered, watching Mustang sit up and scrape the smashed muffin off his face. He just looked at it and smirked, shrugging as if to say: "What can ya do?"

Edward and Hawkeye both snickered to see their superior officer look so incredibly dorky. This was one victory that they both supported, seeing as there was no blood involved.

The crowd began to disperse, leaving the team to clean up all the little muffin bits. Al walked over to Ed and started to help. As soon as they were out of earshot of the others though, he looked down at his brother in wry amusement.

"Brother, are you ever going to tell the Colonel that you were the one that snuck into his house and changed the recipe in the first place?"

Ed grinned evilly, glancing back at Mustang.

"Aw, hell no! He'd kill me for one thing, and as long as he doesn't know, he'll keep trying to bake more until he finally figures out that something's wrong with the recipe. I have a few more ideas…"

Al facepalmed, thinking of all the horrible things that Ed probably had up his sleeve.

"Brother, how did you even know that the Colonel was going to be baking muffins?"

Ed laughed, smacking Al playfully.

"I need SOMEONE to practice my spying skills on, right?"

**Oh my god, implied EdxRoy… O.O  
WTF have I created here?**


End file.
